I can well grasp your husbands ongoing eye-rolling and snappish annoyance. July 2, 2013, 4:01 pm. I agree, but the father didnt ask for advice, the mom did and we all know you can only control your own actions, so because of that, I think the advice given was spot on. It should open up LWs eyes to the reality of the situation. I read ahead in my history textbook during class because I liked it so much. Im guessing the teen might be into the more recent iterations of Star Trek, the latest movies to come out of that franchise. The 2 Most Psychologically Incisive Films of 2022, The Surprising Role of Empathy in Traumatic Bonding, How a Stronger Body Can Transform Your Identity, Two Questions to Help You Spot a Clingy Partner-to-Be. And with Netflix and Hulu and all that jazz, getting all caught up on Buffy and Firefly and Star Trek and other shows that are ancient history with most of todays teens, is not all that hard. When I got to college and met all these kids whod been exposed to more high-brow stuff than I had, I definitely felt like I had to play catch-up to at least even have an opinion on this stuff. Im not gonna say that those novels were the sole reason she and I both ended up with lucrative and fulfilling careers in the hard sciences, or the sole reason why were both great writers and communicators, or the sole reason we didnt have to pay for college (we both got full scholarships). Meanwhile, hed try to force what he thought was important onto me. If your teenager is starting to pull away, it is important to resist the urge to panic or try to force them to spend more time with you. Do not let that behavior continue. My dad would also try to do things we liked. My daughter openly tells him that she hates him and that he is a douche and that she wouldn't care if he was out of her life. But you know what. Be happy that your daughter has a father who wants to be involved in her life. My parents are/were anti-intellectual, though, and wouldnt let me go see ballets, theatre productions, or hit up museums because I was trying to put on airs. my husband is mean to my daughter Iesha Mulla Iesha is a loving mother of 2 beautiful children. Copyright 2023 The Relationship Notes.Privacy Policy . I too liked pop culture and shopping and silly tv shows, much like my mom. Its awesome to have your children engaged in the world (government, politics, history, etc). So the fact that there are things that he likes doing is a good start, and the fact that he wants to do those things with your daughter is excellent. My Dad and I had similar interests so it was real easy to build a relationship with him with my sister not so much, he didnt know how to relate to her as she had all the same interests as my mother. If he constantly puts her down she will not like him and she will not respect him because she knows that he has no respect for her. Its rude to disparage someones interests, roll your eyes at them when they talk about them, tell them to stop talking about it because youre annoyed. Old Medication, New Use: Can Prazosin Curb Drinking? Well-intentioned, devoted partners of crazy-making people can become obsessed with trying to find the magic potion that will make their partners happy and appreciative of their efforts. For starters, almost NONE of the things your daughter is a fangirl of are even vaguely STILL hot among her peers. Awesome post, Wendy The whole time reading the letter I was feeling a bit sorry for the dad, but mostly in the sense of Wow, sucks for him that hes such a big fat pain in the ass and no one likes him. Then I read your response and realized even if he is a pain in the ass, Mom has lots to work on too. Yours on their own will just isolate her as, frankly, many out there find fangirls and fanboys annoying. Same with the radio in the car I like country or musicals, he cant stand it, theres no way Id put that on. J said the shows and books listed are things mature, intelligent adults like. And whenever I caught a fish, my dad was the one to do all the gross work to deal with it. I think you should also look at your marriage, because in my observation, the us vs. them thing often stems from problems between the husband and wife, which drives one of them to try to make their child an ally, whether its just to have a friend or as a way to outnumber the other person. Ive definitely think Ive learned more from my daughter than shes learned from me. In all honestly though, I call up my dad now to hear about all of the new great bands out there! If both parents are making an effort to connect, I think 12 is an acceptable age to understand that things arent always about you, and sometimes we do things for other people just because we love the person if not the activity. During the summer especially, our kids both have homework that may include working on actual homework-like assignments or getting a privilege after answering X number of questions correctly on our American Trivia game (history, pop culture, geography, etc). I dont think that as a parent, you are required to indulge in things you dont approve of. July 2, 2013, 12:28 pm. Husbands can inadvertently drive their daughters away by overstepping boundaries, being too critical, or taking on too much control. I think the fathers criticism is a major problem, although I also think the daughter should be encouraged to become educated and skillful in the things hes attempting to teach her too (life is better when youre well-rounded and competent in a lot of things). You dont have to worship the same pop culture icons to have solid relationships. I mean, you cant FORCE a kid to like camping. What To Do When Your Partner and Daughter Dont Get Along? If you have any concerns that your husband is driving your daughter away, be sure to talk to him about it. But he always treated me like an adult and respected and loved me and I think he had a huge hand in making me a pretty confident 24 year old woman and I know what I want and deserve from boyfriends. That is why he is pushing her to explore new things. July 2, 2013, 1:18 pm, Um, both piano recitals and spelling bees are CONSTRUCTIVE activities Fangirling? I definitely DONT think my experience and this familys are similar. She grabs every opportunity to be near him but won't actually tell him how she feels. After all, the child is innocent and helpless, while the spouse is an adult who can take care of themselves. I was/am (?) Dad used people for his own good. A few years from now this guys daughter interests may have changed, but she wont be bothering to talk to him about it or anything at all, most likely. Its that shes finding she doesnt always like her dad. Neither father or daughter should make disparaging remarks about the other and you shouldnt make disparaging remarks about your husband. I do believe he is some what of a jerk with the fact that he really doesnt put any effort in to anything she likes though. I can look back on those time I was forced to go mini golfing with my dad and smile, because I know how happy it made him, and I always ended up having fun, too! But in college I fell in love with art history and now I actually take days off work to go visit art museums! Rather than the lover-partner-wife-prized companion to be loved and cherished and lavished with attention slot. My dad got me into the Beatles and Hendrix, so I hear that! I think you should take Wendys advice about showing interest in your husbands hobbies (hoping your daughter will take your lead), but you could also talk to your husband. So is telling your daughter that the things she listens to or your conversations are annoying. Also have to add that her father probably doesnt realize it, but at that age I felt like criticism of what I took an interest in was equal to criticism of myself. I got a very different vibe from this. July 2, 2013, 11:57 am. They Dont Want Their Marriage To End Up Like Yours, 4. Thats probably what her daughter is reacting to, and she probably sees her father as a bully. if(typeof ez_ad_units!='undefined'){ez_ad_units.push([[300,600],'therelationshipnotes_com-large-mobile-banner-1','ezslot_9',134,'0','0'])};__ez_fad_position('div-gpt-ad-therelationshipnotes_com-large-mobile-banner-1-0');Ultimately, its up to you whether or not you want to stay in a relationship with someone who doesnt get along with your child. Ha! And they never put down my interests (which at the moment are the same as the LWs). Hold on there, NKOTB are STILL awesome! He still clips those articles, and even though he and I are a ways apart politically, I can always trust them to have something well-reasoned and thoughtful to say. lets_be_honest I notice my 14-year-old daughter and her 17-year-old brother, enemies of old, enjoying a detente in the TV room over Xbox and popcorn. Nip . I always hated fishing growing up, but it meant that I got to spend time with my dad, so I went. But it was annoying. Definitely. lets_be_honest But mom, dont do the us versus him. But even then I would tell you to be a little more hipper and current than Buffy . This is partly why it can be so challenging to get a cognitively impaired individual to stop driving. July 2, 2013, 11:56 am. Gotta say, I disagree with the extreme nature of that statement. This day is going down in history as the first day that Ive ever agreed with every single word youve said, BGM. I was closer to my mom, and even closer with my friends in the neighborhood. But it can get super boring waiting for that to happen. If you would like to change your settings or withdraw consent at any time, the link to do so is in our privacy policy accessible from our home page.. I didnt say she was liking or disliking things to get close to her daughter. I dont think theres anything wrong with taking a child camping who doesnt necessarily like it that much. Game of Thrones? Whatever you do, make sure you stay true to yourself. Another hallmark of BPDers is having such a fragile ego that their self concept is very weak, resulting in their having extremely weak personal boundaries. Camping? The point here is that Mom seems to allow her to only have interest in those things, which is bad. PS I also dont get why going camping and hiking versus Buffy-ing are mutually exclusive. This can cause a lot of tension in the family. Totally agree on the respect issue. I did so out of obligation and obedience, but now that Im older, I certainly appreciate what I learned, and wish I had paid more attention than I did. He broadened my view of the world, showed me things that I wouldnt have seen without him. For example, I taught my theatre kids The Crucible this year. July 2, 2013, 12:34 pm. Let them know that, in your eyes, they are precious and beautiful beyond . Tell you husband to ease up a little bit. But he read the paper and talked about the articles, so I started reading the paper and talking about the articles. I thought you might like it because of x,y, and z. if(typeof ez_ad_units!='undefined'){ez_ad_units.push([[120,600],'therelationshipnotes_com-mobile-leaderboard-1','ezslot_16',128,'0','0'])};__ez_fad_position('div-gpt-ad-therelationshipnotes_com-mobile-leaderboard-1-0');if(typeof ez_ad_units!='undefined'){ez_ad_units.push([[120,600],'therelationshipnotes_com-mobile-leaderboard-1','ezslot_17',128,'0','1'])};__ez_fad_position('div-gpt-ad-therelationshipnotes_com-mobile-leaderboard-1-0_1');.mobile-leaderboard-1-multi-128{border:none!important;display:block!important;float:none!important;line-height:0;margin-bottom:15px!important;margin-left:auto!important;margin-right:auto!important;margin-top:15px!important;max-width:100%!important;min-height:600px;padding:0;text-align:center!important}If your daughter is still young, she may not be ready to see you with anyone other than her biological father. Anyway, we had to go visit one of his aunts who was dying in the hospital, and my dad admitted to me that he didnt WANT to go and said he was dreading it (which was not something hed normally say to me), but that sometimes you have to do stuff you dont want to do. I see it as a dad getting short changed and mom monopolizing time with daughter. bitter_straight_lets_be_honest and your journey to the darkside shall be complete, lets_be_honest You need to be very careful, then, to avoid reacting out of worry or false guilt. Others say no because the spouse is the one person who will always be there for you, no matter what. July 2, 2013, 12:33 pm. I know I did. I notice myself not racing to pick up my daughter from. If he doesnt mind, that would probably be a good show of support to begin with. What music you like or books you read is a matter of personal preference, and really its rude to mock people for their personal taste just because it doesnt align with yours unless theres racism or violence or something. My dad did tell me they were awful back in the day but he still bought me all the tapes and magazines and t-shirts and let me plaster my walls with their posters and drove me to their concert. Yeah the dictating that she cant even listen to songs sometimes in the car is way over the top. Look, Im sorry, but your hand here is rather plainly seen. But you seem to have past that point long ago) Just as your husband has tried to cultivate in her his interests. I wish Id been closer to my mother growing up, but now that Im almost 30, were as close as can be, so maybe itll just take a few years. For my husband he has to do all the driving. He played the songs over and over and he had albums (and still does) and he would play them and copy them to the cassette so we could listen to them in the car together (pre CD times). How Psychologically Conditioned Rats Are Defusing Landmines, 7 Ticking Time Bombs That Destroy Loving Relationships, The Single Best (and Hardest) Thing to Give Up, 3 Ways to Reclaim Your Hope and Happiness. Additionally, she may worry that a new man in your life will try to take his place and replace him entirely. Or are they just not able to love without losing themselves? Though of course, there are ways to encourage a daughter to experience some parts of being a teenage girl which also are good (like trying to get them to go to at least one sporting event in high school if they have someone to go with, trying to get them to ask one person out on a date, to invite one person over to hang out, etc.) My parents did stuff with me because I wanted to and vice versa, of course thats important! Theyre a great way to get people who dont necessarily share a lot of common interests involved. To me, I imagined them insisting on listening to Buffy podcasts in the car Something that would make me either toss the ipod out the window or leave certain people at the curb, painted_lady Its not rocket science. lets_be_honest Now Im just boring because Im too repetitive. I helped with yard work. And like I said above, I like the idea of assignments to widen your daughters horizons. Im not saying that to excuse the dads behavior if hes being mean, but if the LW truly wants to do the best thing for her daughter, she needs to do something that 1) Doesnt encourage her daughter to dislike her dad and 2) Actually makes him stop being mean, because what shes doing now clearly isnt working. Shes all the better for it. July 2, 2013, 2:59 pm. A game of Munchkin would be fun for all its geek references for you, and is playful enough that your husband might enjoy it. Have you read Tumblr recently? Absolutely Dad! If one of them moves over 100 miles away, then the arrangement changes to each meeting half way. All these behaviors contribute to the problem and are probably making the daughter less inclined to spend time with him. I camped. I hope the LW sees your comment. What this may be in your husband's case is anyone's guess. You might have started asking yourself, Is this person taunting me on purpose? In reality, I think its probably somewhere between the two extremes and I think the LW has a chance to strengthen her bond with her husband and the bond between child and dad. My inner fan girl is all riled up now =). How dare she share her own interests. I was in bed, asleep. "So last night, I did everything exactly the same way, but it was a disaster. And make it a good one. Cant even describe how much I hate hate hate them!! Then she tells me she doesnt wear that anymore and how come I didnt notice? Anytime someone starts a comment with an um, I dont bother reading it because its bound to be condescending. And every once in a while, he needs to do something he doesnt like because SHE wants to do it, and he loves her. He was just happy that I was excited about reading. . So, encourage her to spend time with him. Just like if she says like every other word someone needs to point that out and keep pointing it out until she does something about it.